If someone you are kind to treats you poorly or refuses hospitality… ask yourself why you esteem the person. Anyone who responds to kindness with cruelty and without remorse is someone who lacks the social ability to be a part of a relationship mutually founded on a desire for good. Therefore, any time, money, or effort spent trying to support them and or to connect is a waste if they are over the age of maturity. C reminded me while talking by phone yesterday for over three hours that the age of moral majority begins around the age of 12.
Twelve years old, a child is still a child teetering on the cusp of young adulthood but they (we, as in all of us) by that age are responsible for our behavior choices. A child that lies, steals, or is mean who is over that age becomes a teen with a lifelong profile likely to develop a Cluster B personality disorder.
Cluster B people tend to be those who felt so out of control as a child that as an adult they skip development of a sense of personal accountability for those they injure or traumatize.
Injuries to esteem or reputation without physical violence tend to be diagnosed as Narcissistic Personality Types. They tend to emotionally respond to adult interactions much the same way a child around the age of six seeks to control the attention and actions of parents.
Those who seek emotional control of other people actions tend to develop Borderline Personality Type. These folks throw temper tantrums to get their way; when utterly seeking to duck accountability for poor choices in social behavior they tend to withhold affection and blurt ugly ad hominem attacks about or at whomever they harmed… essentially compounding injury like kicking a victim when they are down and seeking medical support. Those who are especially selfish in their thinking often threaten to commit suicide to hurt their friends and family as much as they can with a final emotional control seeking measure.
Those who learn to use violence or threats of violence against targeted others develop an Antisocial Personality Disordered affectation. Control is their goal. They want absolute control of whomever they are around at all times as they see people not as folks to value but more like things they choose to use.
Someone with ASPD (antisocial Affectations) who descends into using people strictly for impulse amusement develops a Neuroplasticity form readily identifiable on Brain Scans since 2015. They tend to know the difference between right and wrong but seek to abate neurochemical boredom by juicing their brain tissue for an adrenal rush.
The Psychopath, the most extreme variation of ASPD, combines reckless disregard for the safety and quality of life for others with a soul sucking void that attracts kind and empathetic people like prey then chews us (them, as targeted marks) up. Those lucky enough to escape social interaction or family relationships that bind us emotionally to one or to a gaggle of them are grateful to have been spitten out.
A Narcissistic Story indeed emerges when a Cluster B person displays comorbid affectations. For instance, a Narcissistic Sociopath may become either a Narcopath (Narcissistic Sociopath who seeks use driven control of their emotional and social environment by becoming a bully who alternates between behaving normal in public and like a monster to emotionally or financially targeted marks and who routinely without care or concern abuses mates, parents, children, and preferred scapegoats) or they may become what’s known as a Malignant Narcissist — a person who tends to abuse and or to gaslight and con to harm typically 100% of those they encounter like duping, triangulating, and harming of others is sport.
Histrionic folks are the most unusual but civically predictable Cluster B Types. They are non stop attention seeking — always demanding attention while pushing others away, pretending anyone in their thrall is property (typically) to be kept as if they are a pet. Problems with that social construct tends to arise for those who esteem them in that they tend to treat their faithful pets like crap.
Histrionic Psychopaths tend to be the most entertaining people to watch from a distance as they strive to say things that are oftentimes funny and or are unexpected…
but you cannot trust them to give or to loan them money or items as they see kindness proffered as weakness. And emotional weakness — especially in the form of spirit of goodwill shown them — they will deride you for, use to claim you are manipulative and seeking to do them harm when you aren’t, and they will waste every moment of YOUR altruism and use anything you do to show them support on their own desire to abuse, mistreat, socially betrayed, and to humiliate you.
Typically after a Histrionic Psychopath badly abuses a mark — the mark is left emotionally battered and oftentimes impoverished (having given all their time and savings and financial items of confidence to the Abuser while that person trashes their name, makes off with swindled cash, breaks their heart and spirit of giving by ridicule, ends up socially ostracized, and loses trust and faith in nearly all other people).
But they don’t stop there — the Cluster B person or peer group who esteem them. They recruit others to socially aggress their prey. And, as is typical, they will pretend in public that you failed them… not the other way around.
The mark of the Social Predator is labeled a bad person for showing them kindness. The mark is profiled for not doing enough for them. For not being good enough to them. For not being good enough in general to be show common human decency, kindness, courtesy, or respect.
Expect someone who grossly abuses others financially and socially without remorse to do things like beg for welfare assistance in public venue while pretending targeted abused family members won’t help… or to create graft oriented fund raising campaigns where money raised is spent on things like drugs and alcohol rather than on bills or to set back fiscally responsibly for rainy day and or predictable holiday or use theme (ie for car tags, car insurance, for medical needs, necessary home us items, pet care, emergency use funds, and or home procurement and or maintenance).
Regarding any social interaction with the aforementioned types of folks, detachment becomes the only safe way to deal with them. Be aware they are around as well as what they prefer, seek to limit or avoid social entanglement, and realize (as C says) that every relationship has it’s own shelf life.
If you have a familial tie to anyone Cluster B, the pain caused by their every word and deed can be agonizing. That is, until you elect to “de-esteem” their opinion or ugly ad have me nem attack theme assertions.
[And yes de-esteem is a word we just made up to explain the following concept.]
C says esteeming the words of liars and or of hospitality abusers is essentially the equivalent of moral madness. Retain any memory of good that involves one as a special place in the past as if it is in some kind of bubble or time capsule, detach from the person or peer group that is hostile, and focus on making time and room for yourself, noting ending social relationship with Abusive Types is medically, physically, and financially necessary to thrive as much or more than for actual survival.
Abuse victims tend to be incredibly patient people. We tend to judge people by their accomplishments while we coddle our own Cognitive Dissonance habits we develop to cope with the surreal nature of being abused by a personal we likely love, trusted with our life and time, or who we esteem.
Allowing a parent who abused or grossly neglected you as a child a space in your life as an adult is a choice. So is allowing a romantic partner, a friend, or a business professional to treat you as if you are an object rather than a person with value.
It’s also a choice how much crap to take from a child over the age of 12… or from an adult of any age who thinks it is okay to abuse, lie to or about, to scare, to hurt, or to physically harm other people.
And,
if someone
(for instance)
is begging for money
or
seeks social support to help them avoid taking personal responsibility for their behavior choices…
to
stop yourself from leaping to meet terms of requests.
For instance, don’t send cash to a drug addict for a plane ticket. Gift them opportunity to utilize free airline miles.
For instance, don’t offer to send cash to pay for rent or bills to a down and out alcohol. Offer to pay their rent or a bill installment to the Landlord or for their Utilities directly.
For instance, offer to provide a senior or adult child you choose to show inclusion and kindness a phone you can have added for a reasonable cost to your own for a person who struggles to stay in communication with the modern tech world. Don’t offer to pay for their solo and wildly unnecessary extra account service bills.
For instance, if your ex needs support to come see your child because the child would benefit… you — not random people — should all be your big boy or big girl self are morally, socially, and financially responsible to bear the cost of arranging for trip meals for that person, to show them hospitality and arrange for food and lodgings, and as part of caring for your child in common to PAY FOR THE TICKET.
To learn more about navigating a world full of yutzes…
visit FACEBOOK.COM/DISCARDPILEPARENTS.
Keep your money heading into the holiday season.
Refuse to be used by abusive people.
And,
if you have been hurt in the past by someone you love or tried to assist who met your kindness with ugly…
the key
to
recovery
is learning to withdraw, detach, and to set Healthy Boundaries.
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