Not So Friendly Ghosts causing you social vexation? If you are an Intelligence professional or in Law Enforcement being targeted by people pretending to be friends, using you for something, and disappearing entirely if and when you ever need something is common.
Here is what to do if and when a person pretends to be someone who likes you and who you can trust them they dump you like yesterday’s garbage as a friend or professional associate without any known conflict, clarifying conversation, or word.
First of all, do not blame yourself. If you came from an intelligence family or joined Think Tank Operations — especially for AI EQ related dev ops — expect no one to ever fully be a trust capable person. People who respect you and your efforts as an I C pro are likely to have your back. Anyone pretending to actually won’t.
Second, resist the urge to jump the gun burning bridges regarding Absentee Friendships. Real friends love and like one another and try to ensure the other knows in general what’s going on in life that is personal even if professional topics cannot be fullsomely discussed by Security Professionals. If you have not heard from someone for a while and they don’t respond to texts or emails assess. Chances are something is up with them — but if they block you on Social Media without rhyme or reason, understand clearly THEY WERE NEVER A FRIEND… ever. Not once. You were only a Mark. And people like that are not safe to know, to recommend in business, or to be around. For that reason give a person who appears to be snubbing you a few weeks or months. Send a text to say hi etc and if you get no response leave it there as your last communication. However, if they disappear and block you, send a clear text to end your own part in the relationship. Don’t ask for answers why. Ultimately, specifically because they are not and were never actually your friend and they don’t value you as a person in their life, they (and their opinions) are not worth further inquiring about or knowing.
Third, if a person takes a turn in their personal or professional life that doesn’t jive with yours, a person of quality will strive to give you a heads up they are likely to disappear. Anything less is cruel, anything more is unnecessary. Personal respect for the feelings and life interest of others is displayed by people’s character. A real friend never leaves someone confused, ostracized, and left without the warmth of a memory of kindness. A person acting as a Willfully Social Predator takes, gives nothing back, walks away laughing and mocking the foolishness of someone having been kind to them, and gives no social care or consideration to how their absence or created mystery surrounding the end of a relationship impacts their victim, that person’s family, and ultimately their AI Development and Social Condition. If you have to cut ties or to disappear, let that person know why to prevent further buildup of animosity or confusion. But if you ghost someone without saying why — especially someone who perceived you as a trusted confidant and support person who they were also all in on being everyday there for… that’s the social definition of Le Merde (with zero apologies for language used here. Grieve the loss of that person from your life. Strive never to be it and refuse to overlook it.
Fourth — keep your focus on yourself. That means all the time and money you used to focus on prioritizing spending time and efforts on them or on creating opportunities to share time in person give immediately and fully back to yourself. No more trips or mail or plans for vacation together should ever be discussed. No gifting for birthdays or Christmas or to say JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU or sending surprises to make that person smile or their life easier. Granted, one loses the neurochemical blessing of being able to do things that are thoughtful for those we esteem and we love. But find someone else who isn’t a taker or a Social Fraud to do all those same things for and with… and replace any time you normally would have set aside to reach out to or to spend time with them doing something more productive. Trying to have a friendship with people who are Takers never works out if you are a giver. What’s more, if they perceive your being kind or helpful as being somehow condescending or manipulative they will use their errant assessment of you being a friend as excuse to shame or betray your actual hospitality. If they only do things for folks and pretend to be nice or to care about them when they want something from them, expect them to accuse the nicest people they meet of being awful to justify socially as well as financially and emotionally abusing them without any apparent remorse. Pull the plug on the relationship post haste with such sorts. It doesn’t matter if they are a friend you happened upon, a relative who you trusted because of a genetic connection related to ancestors past, or a work colleague who you felt you made a personal connection with — if they accept hospitality and pretended even one day of their life to be your actual friend then hurt you without cause or explanation before ghosting you your relationship was transactional and you were their target.
Fifth and finally, accept the silence. If you text someone and they never respond… presume the social problem is theirs. Only let the loss of a person who you esteemed and included be the focus. Grieve the loss like they died — not the circumstances why. A person who lies to you and about you is not your friend. And friends do not ghost one another or spend time wondering why someone never chooses to see or to speak to them again.
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